Why Google Blogger seems like a lot of work

I've decided to transfer my blog over to wordpress for reasons explained in my latest blog entry. Check it out: http://whatitbebitches.wordpress.com/

Why the bus seems like a lot work

Every Monday and Wednesday I have to tutor two kids. From 4-5pm I tutor a 6^th grader who refuses to listen to his teacher, follow directions, or stop playing Madden on his Playstation when his mom asks him to. I like him. From 6-7pm I tutor an 8^th grader who still adds with his fingers, has a mom who won’t let him play Halo because there is too much killing involved, and takes long drinks of water and pretends to be sleepy when he doesn’t want to do math. I… am okay with him. I usually have to set an alarm on these, oh so busy, days so that I make sure I have all my shit ready for my two long hours of work.

Every Monday and Wednesday I tell myself I’m going to leave the house at 2:15 and print out the materials I need for tutoring, prepare the lesson plan for the day, and eat a decent meal before I leave.

Every Monday and Wednesday I play a game on kongregate.com until 2:55 then realize I haven’t brushed my teeth yet today and am still wearing my towel. I run out the door at 3:15, sprinting to catch the 3:21 bus to get to my tutoring appointment. I spend half my time on the bus formulating a plan of action that won’t involve the lesson plans that I forgot to print out (this usually involves scribbling math problems on the backs of old lesson plans). The other half the time I’m on the bus regretting the fact that I forgot to bring a book to read.

I have to wait 10 minutes in the freezing cold between my two busses I have to take to get to my 6^th grader and it’s because of those ten minutes that I have seriously contemplated quitting my one form of barely-income. It sometimes doesn’t seem worth $18.75 to huddle around a “warming” lamp with a bunch of other poor people.

After tutoring my first student, I have to take the busses back home for my second student. Since I’ve already been annoyed by waiting in the cold, and because I’ve only eaten one “bowl” of cereal at this point in the day (read my first blog entry for an explanation of what a “bowl” is), I usually grab a $0.99 Chicken Snacker and a small Frosty from Wendy’s while I wait for the bus. I always sit in a seat near the window so I can see down the street far enough that I will spot the bus coming before it gets to the stop, then I cross the street and get on the bus while it waits for the red light to change. Today the bus came before I finished my meal. I still had two bites left of my sandwich and I had only slurped down half of my frosty.

I pulled a Kobayashi, shoving the chicken down my throat and chugging my frosty in the time it took me to get to the trash can. Then I ran out the door to catch the bus. You know what’s more painful than sprinting immediately after eating the cheapest thing on a fast food menu? No, you don’t. Because nothing is more painful. It’s like your body is saying: “seriously dude? You really thought any of the things you just did were a good idea? Are you trying to kill me? You know what, fuck you. I’m gonna make you feel an ounce of pain for each year you just took off your life. That’s like a pound of pain. And a pound of pain is a large amount of pain. It hurts.”

When I finally got to the bus, breathing like a 500 pound man on a treadmill, I tried to say thank you to the bus driver but it came out “spanks” and I had a little frosty come back up into my mouth.

I made it to my second tutoring assignment and walked home. I think I’m gonna go to sleep early today, I’m tired.

Why more than one task seems like a lot of work

I was supposed to shave yesterday. And do my laundry. Shave and do my laundry. So, I woke up around 10am, meaning I got out of bed around 2pm. I had to go online and watch Bromance and Lost, which I was a fan of since the beginning when it was called Alias, and then I had to play a game of Madden on my computer. Then after that busy start to the day, I realized that I had three new emails to respond to. I replied to two of them – the one from the tutoring agency I work for seemed like I would have to think in order to form a response – then I got out of my room. It’s a good thing that my computer cord reaches my bed otherwise my life would be really difficult.

I took a shower then looked in my fridge for something to eat. None of my food stood out as being that appealing, so I decided that I was going to go out to eat. The problem was that I was too hungry to wait for food from a restaurant – it was 2:30 and I hadn’t eaten yet. So I snacked. After downing half a bag of chips, a third a package of crackers, a few gulps of soymilk, and a piece of bread, I was ready to hit the town. I was wearing shirt with a soy sauce stain on it from a month ago and my boxers had a huge whole in them, but neither were noticeable as long as I covered them up. I put on my hoodie and some pants and went to the closest restaurant. I would have gotten pity from homelessmen the way I looked and smelled, but I wasn’t trying to sleep with anybody on this excursion, so I didn’t have to worry about my appearance.

Asking for seating for one at a restaurant is never a comfortable experience. I’ve learned to bring something to write in; otherwise all you can do is look around and watch people pity you as they think you’ve been stood up. I was squirming in my seat, trying to manipulate my head so that my eyes were in line with the shadow formed by the bar in the middle of the window, therefore avoiding staring directly into the sun, when the waitress came over to my table and told me it would be fine for me to move to the other side of the table. “meh.. I guess.” I didn’t want to be insulting and not take her advice, but I wasn’t minding the sun in my eyes – it at least provided me with a game to play with myself and occupy my time.

I ordered my meal of two appetizers and opened my notepad. Just then, I saw some friends walk in and sit down three tables over. They didn’t see me.

I was caught. I should say hi, but then they’d realize that I went to a restaurant at 4:30pm to eat breakfast by myself in dirty clothes. If I fully committed to not talking to them though, I’d have to worry about them seeing me, and pay attention to where they were looking all dinner, and try to act surprised if they did see me, and that seemed like a lot of effort. I went over begrudgingly, hoping they would say something dumb, like “we’re having girl time” so that I wouldn’t be allowed to sit with them, but that was not the case.

I sat idly while they chit-chatted about boring college kid stuff, and then said my goodbyes and escaped for home. Finally I would do my two chores. First I had to check my email and play another game of Madden to get psyched for laundry-and-shave time. I did both and then I realized that since I was on my computer already I should use this opportunity to look for jobs. I went on craigslist to search for something to apply to and found this http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/mis/1020089524.html

While I hadn’t found a job, I had found an activity. This Whole Foods is right next door, and I had to figure out who the tall, curly haired, really beautiful dude with glasses is. I made a second expedition into the cold in my oversized hoodie and mildly stained khakis that I was wearing for the 10^th day in a row. I didn’t find him, but I did find free cheese samples. My plan is to now spy on him until I see the way short brunett with the dimpled cheeks. My assumption is that she’s ugly – pretty people don’t use dimples as their one show-off adjective. The way craig’s list ads work, people always use three adjectives to describe themselves. The first two are actual descriptions so that you can recognize each other, and the third is your “show-off adjective.” One where you describe some part of your body that is favorable so that you are not only remembered, but remembered favorably.

For example, if I were to write a missed connection, I would describe myself as medium height, skinny with beautiful blue eyes. I would not say, the much more descriptive: Scrawny as fuck, jewy nose and big ears.

Here’s a little translation for what “show-off adjectives” really mean:

For women:

Busty – fat

Voluptuous – fat

Curvy – fat

Nice body – flat

Cute smile – doesn’t have a lot going for them

For men:

Muscular – fat

Lean – scrawny

Ripped – crosseyed

Thick juicy cock – one testicle is significantly larger than the other

Beautiful blue eyes – doesn’t have a lot going for them

My trip to Whole Foods had not been a success, but at least now I could do my laundry and shave. When I got back home, I saw that somebody had posted a link on my facebook wall. http://xkcd.com/540/ So I had to check that out. If you’ll notice on this comic, one of the bases has a list of binary numbers. Knowing this webcomic was created by someone who actually is a computer science nerd, I assumed that there was some secret message encoded in the binary digits. Figuring that out was going to be way more interesting than my laundry or getting rid of the prepubescent scraps of beard that were clinging to my face. I searched for an ASCII code translator and used an excel sheet to add up the digits before I found out that it did indeed say “base 2.” Very clever because binary is in base 2 and it was about 2^nd base. Very clever indeed.

That was a productive day. Maybe I didn’t shave or do my laundry, but I did meet with associates, spy on a mark, and decode a message. JJ Abrams should produce my life.

Why the third dimension seems like a lot of work

Chuck came out in 3D on Monday. I don't have a television, but I do have a new-age-television that displays programs a day late (a computer). After some diligent research - going to hulu.com - I found that the 3D version of the pseudo-comedy spy show was online.

Chuck is not a great show. It's not even a really good show. It's also not a really bad show. So I have watched every episode of this season, and I sure wasn't going to miss this once in a lifetime event of watching television in 3D. Something about watching my computer perform 3D action while I lie on my bed in my boxers and eat cereal out of the box and drink soy-milk from the carton because I'm too lazy to wash a bowl and spoon felt... pathetic isn't the right word... mind-blowing. Mind-blowing is the right word.

One problem though, I didn't have any 3D glasses. I assumed you had to go to some grocery store and get them for free. Well Whole Foods is right next door. I didn't really think they'd have the glasses, but it was worth a try. So, after watching Heroes, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and searching for any new shows to pass the time, I finally pulled myself out of bed and took a shower. By the time I cleaned up and convinced myself it was worth going outside, it was 4pm. Whole Foods awaits!

Of course they don't actually have 3D glasses at Whole Foods, but I did get some free cheese samples and bought a new product they were selling - cottage cheese in single serving yogurt containers. They had different flavors too! There was Pomegranate Orange Cranberry, Cucumber Dill, and Sundried Tomato Basil Pesto.

Lately I've been trying to go with my second choice. My instinct always leads me to the same type of experience, and so I've been testing out a theory that my second choice has more variance. Maybe I won't have my favorite option each time, but I will experience more things, and that's important. My friend Wes once said; "At any given point, I'd rather be playing Warcraft." While he does play a fair amount of the tower defense game, he does more than just sit in front of his monitor and pretend he's defending the ogres from the elves... or whatever. This is because while he recognizes that each individual point of his life would be better spent playing Warcraft, the entirety of his life would be worse off if he spent it on his computer. I've always liked his sentence and have used it multiple times to articulate my feelings. I once used this mantra in order to tell a girl I love her with out using those four icky letters. "At any given point, I'd rather be spending it with you, but that doesn't mean I can spend every moment with you and be happy." I was also using it to defend the fact that I had spent the last three nights with my boys instead of with her.

Anyway, I headed on home to try my sundried tomato basil pesto cottage cheese, whose combination of flavors was depressing me more and more the more I think about how well the cranberries would have complimented the oranges, and how deliciously the oranges and pomegranates would have mixed. I sat down at my computer, stared blankly at the screen and openned up my packaged cottage cheese. It was gross, if you were wondering. I've never liked cottage cheese, I'm just a sucker for fun flavors, and they got me.

I searched online where I could find 3D glasses to watch this decent spy-comedy and came up with this list of establishments.
http://tvbythenumbers.com/2009/01/28/where-to-get-3-d-glasses-for-the-3d-super-bowl-ads-and-chuck-update/11681
There is a CVS and a Roundy's establishment down on university which is 1.6 miles away. I guess I wasn't doing that today. I convinced myself that it was because the website had said that CVS only carried them in select stores, and the Rainbow foods may be a Roundy's associate, but I'm not sure if they count as Roundy's enough to carry 3D glasses. I didn't want to walk nearly two miles on a trip that could be fruitless. Also, it was already dark outside, and I don't want to make any trips in the dark. I might as well make dinner and try to go to sleep.

I made dinner - again cereal and soymilk out of their containers - tried to call up some friends to no avail, and went back to my bed with my computer. After a lot of soul searching, I finally watched Chuck in 2D.

That was a big day - went outside a little, tried to search for something on the internet, ate three meals, took a shower - I was quite productive.